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Words For When the Healing Has Yet to Come
(This was written back in May, in the early days of my cancer diagnosis when I was already so exhausted from the testing and major life decisions I did not know how I was going to take another step forward. Maybe it will speak to you where you’re at as well.) Sometimes I feel like I cannot Even reach Your garments. Other times, as if I am swaddled in them. Sometimes I feel as though I am crawling In the dirt Reaching Reaching Reaching But all I can grab Are fistfuls of dirt and gravel Sharp rocks cutting my hands. They are bleeding My muscles are straining And mentally,…
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Beautylicious
The office of my surgical oncologist must be in the plastic surgery annex of the hospital. There is a poster on the exam room door asking patients if they are bothered by the fullness beneath their chin (and offering a solution to that “problem”), as well as a display in the waiting room promising that “everyone will notice but no one will know” that the patient has had some sort of wrinkle reduction procedure. (There’s no such promise made for cancer patients, however. Everyone notices and everyone knows). Sitting in these spaces a few months ago, I wished I was one of the lucky people who had the time and…
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I Have Cancer. Here’s the Story.
I woke up in my hospital bed on Christmas Eve to Lori Laughlin on the Hallmark Channel. She was telling everyone that all of her Christmas memories were warm and cozy. I showed Lori Laughlin my middle finger. I choose to believe this was a result of the anesthesia, partly because I don’t really remember doing it, and partly because I know for a fact that flipping people off is not a part of my normal behavior. I suppose I did it because the only thing worse than being in the hospital on Christmas Eve is someone reminding you that you aren’t supposed to be spending this time in the…
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Creation Hands
Often I picture Your hands to be Shriveled up Arthritic Clenched and withholding Holding on tightly To all the things I want But will never receive. And I believe You to be stingy And dried up Hunched over Arms crossed Hoarding wholeness from my presence. I imagine Your hands To be like mine. Weary and brittle Inadequate and little. And so I pray small prayers to match The god I’ve invented for myself The god of un-abundance Who’s more like a reflection of me Than anything based in reality A god who cannot carry Or save Or rescue. This is the picture I have of You. But I look to…
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Why I Write
Every week, I get together with some friends to worship the Lord through creative writing. This is a piece I wrote this week. I’m thankful for the opportunity, by the grace of God, to fight my battles through words. The battles in my mind Spill out onto the pages Where I am less like the weak victim Crouched in the corner of a barren place, And more like a warrior princess. My pen is my sword Which I use to cut off the tentacles Of the monster that tries To wrap itself Around my mind. I have defense against the darkness. I am strong and on the winning side.…
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The Past Ten Years
I turn 30 tomorrow, and I am so grateful. I am thankful that the Lord has given me three decades of wonderful adventures, and I’m also infinitely grateful for the way He’s carried me through the not-so-wonderful moments as well. I’ve been thinking about the past ten years, specifically, about how I am not at all the same person I was a decade ago. I’m thankful for the ways the Lord has grown me and shaped me. I’m nowhere near perfected, but I’m definitely more at peace. Here are 30 things I know now (although I’m still working on knowing some of these better) that I didn’t know when I…
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A Friendly Reminder That You’re Going to Die
Every time I hear the phrase, “well, with the way the world is today…” I want to cringe. Or scream. People usually use it to justify fear. I hear it most often when I or someone else is about to go abroad to do mission work. People shake their heads, and worry about the world being a dangerous place. They’re not entirely wrong…the world is pretty awful sometimes. And for sure we’re all going to die. But I think these are two great reasons to not be afraid at all. I spent the month of December volunteering in a refugee camp in Greece. I left shortly after the Paris attacks.…
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New Year’s Day: Lesvos Eight
Church bells call to us from down the hill on New Year’s Day, and a few of us climb in the van to attend the service. I feel guilty about leaving camp, but my teammates who are staying behind say it’s okay, because nothing is happening here anyway. As we drive toward the village, we see a refugee boat and rescue boats on the water. So instead of turning left toward town we turn right to go to the beach. I’m planning to watch at a distance…this isn’t our role here and I don’t like to get in the way of the beach rescue workers. These wetsuit-clad men and women…
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Beautiful Things: Lesvos Seven
During the last few weeks I’ve seen evidence that tells me the world can be an awful place sometimes. But I also serve a marvelous Creator who continually reminds that He is good and this planet is filled with incredible beauty as well! I thought I’d share some photos showing you what we get to experience when we’re not at camp. We are on a Greek island after all 🙂 Gorgeous sunsets: Seafood at the port. Look at all the cats! They’re everywhere here. Spending afternoons by the sea. Our good morning view from camp. Another lovely sunset. Gyros!!!! Beautiful winding streets you could get lost in… …while eating pastries…
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Waves Like Mountains: Lesvos Six
“There is no way refugees will come to camp tonight,” I think to myself as I pull my sweatpants on over two pairs of leggings, and add another pair of socks. “It’s too windy, too cold, and too dangerous to make the crossing tonight.” But then I learn 42 people had arrived earlier in the evening. When Shadrach and I take our turn at the back gate somewhere around three AM, a man is sitting on the cement. He is wearing a stocking cap, and is wrapped in one of the grey UNHCR blankets that Samaritan’s Purse hands out as refugees walk through the camp. He is too…
