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To the Woman Who’s Life Has Not Gone as Planned
On the table in the waiting room of the women’s clinic are gifts for new or pregnant moms labeled “Welcome to the Sisterhood of Motherhood.” The bulletin board in the exam room is covered in photos of babies that I’m assuming this doctor helped bring into the world. This is all ironic since I am here to ask the doctor, among other things, if she thinks my body will be able to bear children one day, or if the chemo has damaged it beyond repair. I rotate my head toward the opposite wall so I that I don’t have to stare at the baby pictures anymore. But the artwork is…
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Can You Hold My Pain?
Some people are afraid to interact with people who are in pain because they feel like they don’t know what to say or do. But often people do not need to say or do anything. They just need to be willing to listen. I am forever grateful to those who have opened up their hands, arms, and homes to me, creating spaces where all of me is welcome, including my pain. I am forever grateful to those who have simply listened, without judgement, without feeling the need to fix the situation, and without commenting anything more than perhaps agreeing that what I am going through is in fact very difficult.…
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Surviving
I was thinking the other day about how in most media portrayals of someone with cancer, the person dies in the end. It seems there are not nearly as many portrayals of what happens when a person lives. And I think it’s important to know that cancer isn’t over when the treatment ends. Now please hear me: Life, survivorship, is something that not everyone gets to experience. This is not an attempt at complaint or a plea for pity. Rather, I would like to share my experience of what it is like to be a survivor. The “fighting” doesn’t end once the chemotherapy or radiation is over. When I finished…
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Give Me Strength to do the Dishes
Today I found myself praying, “Lord, thank You for the strength to do the dishes.” It had already been a long day, and I had maybe only been awake for five hours. But by the time I got home after my morning activities, I was already spent. So being able to both cook lunch and clean up felt like more than I could even hope for, although I did have to push myself, saying “one more dish, you can do this, one more dish,” as though I was trying to make it through mile 26 of a marathon. As someone who likes to do ALL THE THINGS, and can easily…
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Things That Helped When I Had Cancer
Everyone’s experience with cancer is different, but I wanted to put together a list of things that helped me personally when I had cancer. Obviously, your doctors should be your first source of information, so if their advice clashes with mine, go with their advice over mine. Also, this is not an exhaustive list, it’s just what I can remember off the top of my head. I hope you never need this list, but here it is just in case! Resources: -If you’re between the ages of 18 and 39, check out Stupid Cancer. This organization supports and advocates for young adults with cancer. Their website lists a bunch…
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Dandelion: A Poem About lllness
I am weak People think That I am strong But this has shown me Just how weak I am. I have trouble concentrating Or functioning in normal society. All I want to be Is asleep. But when I lie in my bed. I find that I cannot. Illness makes me panic. All I want to do is escape my body But it is the one thing that follows me Wherever I go So I find that I cannot be rid of my self. I long for God to show Himself as Healer But often I lie there Wondering Why isn’t Jesus helping me? What to do When the prayers don’t…
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Words For When the Healing Has Yet to Come
(This was written back in May, in the early days of my cancer diagnosis when I was already so exhausted from the testing and major life decisions I did not know how I was going to take another step forward. Maybe it will speak to you where you’re at as well.) Sometimes I feel like I cannot Even reach Your garments. Other times, as if I am swaddled in them. Sometimes I feel as though I am crawling In the dirt Reaching Reaching Reaching But all I can grab Are fistfuls of dirt and gravel Sharp rocks cutting my hands. They are bleeding My muscles are straining And mentally,…
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Beautylicious
The office of my surgical oncologist must be in the plastic surgery annex of the hospital. There is a poster on the exam room door asking patients if they are bothered by the fullness beneath their chin (and offering a solution to that “problem”), as well as a display in the waiting room promising that “everyone will notice but no one will know” that the patient has had some sort of wrinkle reduction procedure. (There’s no such promise made for cancer patients, however. Everyone notices and everyone knows). Sitting in these spaces a few months ago, I wished I was one of the lucky people who had the time and…
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I Have Cancer. Here’s the Story.
I woke up in my hospital bed on Christmas Eve to Lori Laughlin on the Hallmark Channel. She was telling everyone that all of her Christmas memories were warm and cozy. I showed Lori Laughlin my middle finger. I choose to believe this was a result of the anesthesia, partly because I don’t really remember doing it, and partly because I know for a fact that flipping people off is not a part of my normal behavior. I suppose I did it because the only thing worse than being in the hospital on Christmas Eve is someone reminding you that you aren’t supposed to be spending this time in the…
