What Depression Feels Like (For Me)

It is as if my mind is a computer program, but a virus has entered in and corrupted the code. Every now and then the original code comes to the surface, and the program seems to run normally. For example, when I felt proud of a friend who performed at an event at my school, I recognized that emotion as part of the original code. But on a different occasion, the corrupted code was running. I was with some friends, doing an activity I know that I love, and yet I was not enjoying myself at all. In fact I kept having to talk myself into staying just a few minutes more, just a few minutes more. I was not at all myself. The corrupted code was running the programming. Sometimes the corrupted code causes me to not enjoy things I know the original code is programmed to enjoy. Sometimes it zaps my energy or excitement about life. Sometimes the virus causes me to stay in bed, certain that I will never emerge from beneath the covers again.

It is especially frustrating because I feel like if I have enough awareness to recognize that I have a problem, that I am not “myself,” then I should also have the awareness or resources within me to make the problem stop. Like if I have the awareness to know it is cold outside I also have the awareness to know to wear appropriate clothing or not go outside. There, there problem is solved. So I try to tell myself, okay, feel better, feel normal now…and…now…okay, now. But I just cannot do it. I don’t mean to be this way. I’m trying not to be this way. But I just can’t do it. It is so frustrating, and also scary. What if I can never get out? What if the virus takes over completely? What if the original code never runs again?

I feel like have more understanding now for people who struggle with depression. I feel like it’s easy to look and say, well just snap out of it. just stop it! But for whatever reason, those who have depression just can’t, even though we really want to.

Don’t worry about me, though. My doctor, my counselor, and my friends and family are all working together to make sure I have more good days. I have hope that eventually, more of the original code will run again. If you are struggling with depression, please know that there is no shame in getting the help you need. It is not weak to seek treatment. If you have a friend who is struggling, please be patient with them! It means the world to me to know the people who love me still love me even when I am struggling.