Do My Elbows Look Fat?

As a woman, I am aware that there are certain things I am supposed to worry about.

I am supposed to worry about wrinkles, and muffin tops, and stretch marks, and whether or not my teeth are white, and whether or not my eyelashes are thick enough.

But recently I was made aware that there was something missing from my worry cabinet.

The commercial started like this:

“Apples may fall, but the apples of your cheeks don’t have to.”

First, I must comment that I feel that statement was a rather lazy way to begin a commercial. But that’s not the point.

The point is, all this time I had been living in blissful ignorance of a perfectly devastating fact:

My cheeks are practically melting off of my face. Well sagging anyway. That’s how the commercial puts it.

I can honestly say that I have never considered the fact that my cheeks are in danger of falling. Not once in my life.

I know I’m supposed to worry about grey hair and age spots and whatever else. But I’ve never worried about my cheeks!

But then again, I’m not always very good at worrying about these things.

For example, I recently discovered I have cellulite. I know this is supposed to make me very upset, and I know I’m supposed to run out and buy creams and lotions to remedy this “ailment,” but I just can’t manage to get myself worked up about it. I mean, if dimples are cute on a person’s face, why can’t they be considered just as cute on a person’s thighs?

The declaration that my cheeks are falling also comes with a statement of hope, thank goodness! All it takes is a little injection and I can defy gravity!

I went to the website and looked at some “before” pictures and realized that actually, my cheeks are starting to look like the before pictures, which makes sense because according to the website, your cheeks begin to fall after the age of 21. Twenty-one!

So I’m basically decaying. And I didn’t even realize it! Which made me wonder. What other flaws do I have that I didn’t even realize need fixing?

Are my ear lobes saggy?

Are my knees at their maximum knee-ness?

Do my elbows look fat?

I’m sure I shouldn’t concern myself too much, as someone will surely invent a product to fix all of these problems as well.

Sigh.

We live in a strange world, friends.

And honestly, this commercial made me so upset.

It made me upset because while I can watch it and roll my eyes, I just KNOW that there are going to be women out there who immediately run to the mirror to look at their cheeks, and then run to the phone to call their doctor for an injection.

I just KNOW that there are women who see these commercials and feel a little less-than.

I poked around on the website a bit and had to stop because I got so angry. The “before” pictures of these women were so beautiful! But these women clearly didn’t see themselves that way. And that makes me feel sad.

So for those women who are worried about their cheek slumpage, I’ve devised a few more fun and less painful ways to keep your cheeks looking full and round.

– Eat lots of marshmallows. Just stuff ‘em in there. It will give your cheeks a nice plump appearance. If marshmallows aren’t your thing, try stuffing your face with other kinds of food. Cake is always a nice option. Or gummy bears maybe. Mashed potatoes perhaps? There are a variety of ways to achieve the fullness you’re looking for!

-Make funny faces with your nephews/ nieces/ children/ grandchildren. Do that thing where you puff out your cheeks and cross your eyes. The kids will love it, and your cheeks will look full and young!

-Hold up your cheeks with your fingertips. When people ask what you’re doing, tell them your face is melting. Enjoy the weird looks they give you.

-Walk around on your hands for awhile. This will cause gravity to redistribute your body parts to more socially acceptable placements.

-Squint. It forces your cheeks to stay elevated and keeps those apples nice and high. Ahhh, beauty.

Or you could just let things be, confident that you are absolutely beautiful. Confident that not a single person is keeping track of the change in the slope of your cheeks from year to year. Confident that you are loved and wanted and have so much to offer the world around you.

You are beautiful, and you’ve got nothing to worry about.