Facebook Thinks I’m Lame

My mom says my silverware collection is sad.

I have two forks. Just two. And they’re not even real grownup ones. They’re the buy a spoon, fork, and knife together for a dollar at Walmart kind. To me, having two forks does not say, “sad.” It says, “My friends and I usually go out to eat.” Or, “I mostly enjoy spoon items, like ice cream.” Or, “I now have to wash dishes at least every day, which otherwise would not happen.”

No, I don’t find anything about my life to be the least bit sad, not even the two forks issue.

Facebook, on the other hand…

Facebook thinks I’m lame. And stupid. And Facebook is very, very concerned about my social life. I can tell because nearly every ad on my page is for one dating website or another.

“Hi, I’m David. I’m on Sugardaddyconnect.com. Let’s chat!”

David does not look like a sugar daddy. David has taken a selfie in his car. At least he appears to be wearing his seatbelt. I love a man who wears a seatbelt.

Facebook is suggesting I “like” the page for this website. Because the only thing more important than joining this dating site is letting all of my friends know that I’m now well on my way to finding a sugar daddy of my very own. The picture for the page shows a pouty-faced girl in a strapless dress sort of clinging to an older man. He doesn’t look too happy either. I guess their love is just too intense.

Meanwhile, over on my sidebar, David’s twin brother John wants to meet me as well. John and David have even taken the exact same selfie, in the same car, wearing the same seatbelt! Now I just don’t know who to choose! John or David? John or David?! I hope that one doesn’t become wildly jealous of the other, resulting in a nasty street fight or arm wrestling competition.

I refresh my Facebook page and now either John or David (I can’t tell which) has an ad saying he’s 24 and single, and has just uploaded new pics! “Wanna see?” Well, well, well, the way to a girl’s heart IS through misuse of the English language. Just kidding. I’ll take the sugar daddy who I’m hoping knows how use words properly.

If the seatbelt twins don’t work out, another ad tells me I can meet hundreds of decent men.

One proclaims, “Meet new singles!” You know, new singles, as opposed to old singles.

One ad told me that there were 30 new singles within a few kilometers of me! I knew right away this one was a scam. For starters, like all good Americans, I don’t use the metric system. And second, I live in a town of less than 2,000 people. I doubt whether there are 30 singles here at all, much less “new” singles.

One of my favorite ads (and by favorite I mean the one that makes me roll my eyes the most) is an ad for Christian Mingle. The caption says, “Let love and faithfulness never leave you…” It’s from Proverbs three and I guess is supposed to make this Christian themed dating website have some credibility. But they must not know me very well, because I’d be much more apt to click on an ad that said, “Christianmingle.com, meet men who don’t take Bible verses out of context.” Or, “Meet men who don’t pick out random Bible verses to use for their personal gain.”

One ad I haven’t seen in a while is the ad for richmen.com. It usually featured a young man wearing a white tank top, staring intently and/or creepily at the camera, surrounded by a messy living room and/or bathroom.

I feel like these dating ads are all trying too hard. If Facebook knew me at all, it wouldn’t try to sell me on sugar daddies or thousands of new singles. Its ads would say things more along the lines of,

“Meet men who have a job that can provide you with health insurance while you stay home and write all day.”

Or, “Meet men who totally understand that you have big dreams and will help you pursue them.”

Or, “Meet men who love Jesus but aren’t trying to use it as a way to get girls like those acoustic guitar playing high school boys at Bible camp.”

I mean, it’s not that hard, really.

Yes, it certainly does sound like Facebook thinks my life is a bit lame and I that I need lots and lots of help in the dating area.

But all hope is not lost. It turns out Facebook does have a bit of faith in me after all. Why, just the other day it showed me an ad for maternity pants from Walmart.